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Feb. 21st, 2008

So sad to say...

I've found a new home. It's a lot nicer, better neighbors, bigger lawn. You know how it goes. Not that I didn't enjoy this place, but I'm getting a bigger place, that's all. I'll be back to move some furniture out. 

http://the-squeaky-wheel.blogspot.com/

http://the-squeaky-wheel.blogspot.com/

http://the-squeaky-wheel.blogspot.com/

Feb. 12th, 2008

Roy Scheider, dead at 75. Not eaten by wolves.

Roy Scheider, best known for his portrayal of police chief Martin Brody, in the critically acclaimed horror movie Jaws, died on Sunday. He was 75.

No cause of death was announced, but it was well known that Scheider had been battling multiple myeloma. He was being treated for his disease at the University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences hospital in Little Rock, where he passed away.

After going over multiple websites covering his death, I realized that Mr. Scheider had accomplished many things in the long and prosperous life he led. I came to one conclusion, and one conclusion only.

I think we’re gonna need a bigger obituary.

R.I.P., Sir.



"Nash Jackson, action dentist."

Jan. 18th, 2008

Allan is lazy.

Ok, obviously I've been lacking in the posting dept., but in my defense, it's snowing here in MD. If you're not from this state, you won't realize that this affects, EVRYTHING. Even blogging. You'd think this would be the opposite, that I'd have plenty a chance to sit and write about snow, or snow related events. Well I don't. All that consumes me is a crippling fear of my impending doom once my car sets tire onto a major/slightly obscure roadway of any kind.

Shit, even at roller rinks, people are skating 10miles below the standard speed.

Anyways, I swear I'll have something new to talk about after the weekend. Maybe about how much cooler the bathrooms here at work are, as compared to the one at my aprt.

Until then, you can watch some 19yr old English kid bum me out because I'll never play guitar like this, unless I quit my job/girlfriend/eating, and any other non-guitar related habbit.

Enjoy.


Jan. 15th, 2008

Allan is professional, possibly more awesome.

 So I got invited to "LinkedIn" today by one of my reps. From first glance, it seems to be some sort of grown-up MySpace, or facebook. But, since I've already got both of those down, I figured I might as well go for broke. 

Apparently, I'm here http://www.linkedin.com/in/allanbadeker


It's only a matter of time before I start joining Harry Potter groups on LinkedIn.

Jan. 7th, 2008

gladiators

Allan finds new reason to sell his soul to television.

Contestants, ready?!
 
Gladiators, ready?!
 
Viewing public, ready?!
 
Yes. Yes we are. It was only two short months ago that me and my roommate Jon were sitting in our living room, nursing a hangover and watching American Gladiator reruns. At one point, one of us said to the other, “wouldn’t it be cool if they remade THIS show?” And so they did. And it was good.
 
Last night was the season premiere of the new American Gladiators on NBC. We waited twenty years for this to happen, and it was worth every second. The show opened on a slight nostalgic note, by showing footage from the ’89 to 96’ era, and for a brief second, and we got to see all our favorite gladiators from years before. Nitro, Laser, Turbo, Storm, Sunny, were all there. Some would say the gladiator names were one of the most entertaining parts of the show, and the new season doesn’t let you down. With gladiator names like, Crush, Mayhem, Wolf, Titan, and Hellga, these gladiators promise to bring a world of hurt to middle class America.
 
Even the prizes are better this time around. Instead of winning a Ford Festiva, and 10k, now you get 100k, a 2008 Toyota Sequoia, and the coolest prize I’ve heard of in years, the chance for the winning contestants to become gladiators in their own right, and appear on the next season as such. Does it get any better than that? No, most assuredly, it does not. 
 
The setup is a bit different as well, we get to see a little bit more about the contestants than we did before. They encompass all walks of life as we had, a life coach, sales rep., pro skateboarder, NY firefighter, ex-Marine, and most impressively of all, a guy who had tried out 14 years ago, but missed his audition due to a traffic jam. It really does feel like they plucked a bunch of random schlubs off the sidewalk and talked them into walking into a meat grinder.
 
Seriously though, this new season was everything I expected it to be. A lot of my favorite competitions are back (Assault, Joust, Powerball, Gauntlet, Hang Tough), as well as a few new ones. In fact, this seasons competitions look at least 10x more exciting than before because of one small addition.
 
Water.
 
Why did no one think of this before?!?! In the majority of the competitions you’re in, if you screw it up, you fall into a pool of water! How awesome is that? For ex. When you’re doing the Joust, and when you fail, (which you probably will) you don’t fall onto the padded gym mats of yesteryear, you fall directly into a pool, of water! OMGZ! The same applies for the Assault competition. After you run from station to station, trying to fire off random Nerf projectiles at a gladiator, while dodging the 100 mph tennis balls they’re shooting at you, you finally get a hit on the bulls eye behind them, and BAM!, the gladiator who is on a fly wire, gets ejected right into the soup!
 
Sweeeeeeeeeeet!
 
Now, this doesn’t sound like much of an improvement, but let me tell you, after watching the contestants trash talk a gladiator for a minute or so, or in this new seasons case, the gladiators trashing the contestants, you’re absolutely dying to see one or the other in the drink. And that’s probably the best part about the show, whoever seems like the biggest jerk, gets what’s coming to them.
 
There are so many things I hate about “reality TV” these days. Take the Real World as an example, I haven’t the slightest clue why these people are popular. A good friend of my girlfriend just recently saw a cast member at a bar she was at, and they both went what was paramount to apeshit over seeing him there.
 
I’m sure they have valid reasons for being excited about a “celebrity” being somewhere, but I for the life of me can’t figure out why living in an apartment with 6 other people and getting shitfaced every other episode constitutes being popular, and garnering attention. If anything, you’re essentially cheering on the absolute worst part of these peoples personalities and just encouraging it. And more often then not, if someone acts like a real douche bag on national TV, there’s little to no consequence to it. I guess that’s what the reunion show is for, to hug it out bitches.
 
There are probably at least 6 different people from the various casts of the Real World, that I would love to see punched in the face for acting like a braying ass and then smirking about it. But that’s probably not going to happen, so I’ll gladly settle for whatever pompous person decides to get on American Gladiators and get totally owned.
 
I went a little off topic there, but the jist of the deal is, if you act like an insufferable ass on national television and get wrecked by an oversized Q-tip wielding Adonis five seconds later, then it’s your own fault. However, if you manage to talk shit, and still remain on top, then you’ve earned it. Wolf and Titan and the gang are NOT messing around, so my hat goes off to you for at least justifying a few howls of victory.
 
So to sum it up in a more concise way, lets see a few pros and cons:
 
Pros
 
-         Totally awesome gladiator names.
-         A lot of classic competitions make a comeback, as well as some pretty entertaining new ones.
-         Water. Nuff’ said.
-         The EXTREMELY tough and revamped Eliminator course.
-         Fantastically awesome new grand prize.
-         Hulk Hogan and Laila Ali as the new hosts.
Cons
 
-         are you kidding me? 
 
So there you have it, in the calamity that is the writer’s strike, the silver lining is that of all the new reality shows that’ll come out of it, I can actually get behind this one.
 
Game on.  

(edit: i know this is a little less on the funny, but c'mon, it's American freakin' Gladiators!)

Jan. 4th, 2008

Best. Site. Ever.

So I'm super sick today, and for some reason, still at work. I could've called out, but I've got work that really needs to be done. I know, I'm a trooper. 

However, the one silver lining for today is that I came across one of my new absolute favorite sites, www.japanesebugfights.com. The content is as simple as the title. Random bugs in a cage, just beating the inards out of each other. It is awesome. 

Some however might condem this site as "cruel" and "lacking any entertainmet value." To that I say, "stop watching Frasier re-runs and if you were really worried about the bugs, you would've invented hover shoes by now. Jerks.

Jan. 2nd, 2008

Resolutions.

Well New Years has come and gone, and I bet you’re wondering what my resolutions are going to be. I’m going to let you in on a little secret, I don’t have any. I never keep them anyways.
 
I mean seriously, have you ever kept a single New Years resolution in your entire life? I’m betting that the chances are somewhere between, “No” and “I lied about them.” But that doesn’t mean you’re lazy by any means, you’ve probably just got a lot of other things going on in your life.
 
So unless you wimped out and had your resolution as “keep breathing correctly”, there’s a good possibility that you may have forgotten about your resolution.
 
But you can take solace that you’re not the only one. Studies are showing that 97% of resolutions won't be kept.
 
But why is that though? It’s my opinion that you people are setting your goals too high. Most resolutions when compared to the person’s life who makes them, are paramount to saving the world on a daily basis, or destroying it if you like to have fun.
 
The vast majority of you are probably committing to something you should be doing anyways, like going to the gym. Some of you might resolve to spend more time with your family. Some other common resolutions are, to quit drinking/smoking, to learn something new, and my personal favorite “to enjoy life more.”
 
All of these seem like things you should be doing on a daily basis as it is. It shouldn’t take one day a year, and a bandwagon mentality to get you to stop eating at McDonalds everyday after you down a 40, and smoke a carton of Pall Malls. That’s just common sense. I mean seriously, if you need a New Years resolution to “enjoy life more”, maybe you should’ve asked for a cliff for X-mas, and thrown yourself off of it.
 
All of the above mentioned resolutions are great ways to change your life, but in reality, they’re gonna suck real bad when it comes time to make them happen. And herein lies the problem. When something is hard, people tend to give up, myself included. So it would make sense to make your resolutions fun…..right?
 
So here then, are a few fun resolutions, and ways to make existing resolutions a bit more bearable.
 
-         If you’re already saying, “that’s what she said” at every opportunity you get, tone it down a bit, and save them up for when it’s really gonna make a good joke. (this is actually my resolution)
-         If you’re not saying, “that’s what she said”, maybe you should start. It’s a hilarious way to keep the day moving along.
-         If you’re dead set on making going to the gym your resolution, make sure you find some fun motivation while you’re there. I would suggest that every time you go, find the absolute fattest person you can find, and workout next to them during your entire session. It’ll be like having your own personal funhouse mirror to motivate you. If they don’t look like you, maybe you could toss a wig on them or something.
-         If you’re worried about balding this year, go big or go home and just shave all your hair off anyways. Maybe you grow a beard, or keep a 5 o’clock shadow constantly. Maybe you change your name to McClane.
-         If you’re tired of being overweight, but for whatever reason can’t get to the gym, put that weight gain powder in your co-workers food/drink everyday for a year. You’ll feel better by comparison.
-         If you’re trying to quit something, like smoking, or the never-ending battle with the beast, give yourself an incentive. For example, every day you go without a cigarette, you get to take a trip somewhere. This could be the bathroom, the basement, or even your neighbor’s house. Wherever it is, make sure you enjoy it!
-         If you’re going to learn something, make sure you learn something interesting. No one will care if you learn to speak Spanish, in fact it’ll just make them jealous that they can’t. Instead, learn something that will make people either respect you, or fear you, or both. People respect a newly christened black belt just itching to try out his five finger palm of death move. Conversely, people respect and fear the person that learns all of the goings-ons that go down in his/her work place, i.e. who’s sleeping with who, who’s getting the axe in the next round of layoffs.
-         Maybe you’ve resolved that you need a personal guru in your life. Maybe Peyton Manning’s got some good life lessons. You know, 6’5”, 230-pound quarterback, laser rocket arm. You love him.
 
So there’s a few for you to use. Whatever you make a resolution for, be sure you enjoy it.

Dec. 30th, 2007

It never got weird enough for me.

My roommate Jon, on Hunter S Thompson fans:

"Unless you're sitting at a bar with a towel full of ether, I won't think you're cool."

Thats right kids, being Gonzo doesn't mean being a hack. Go find your own bats.

Dec. 28th, 2007

Office Etiquette

Ok, here’s a new era. I promise to only use my blog for the powers of good. Also for amusing myself whenever I see fit. I can’t promise I’ll update regularly, but when I do, I’ll try to make it worthwhile.

 

So let’s talk about office etiquette. I’ve discovered that its commonplace in an office setting to say “Hello” to every Tom, Dick, and Susan (being PC) that you see in the hallway. This annoys me to no end. The hallway is not a place to make friends. I mean seriously, what am I going to get out of all of this?

 

Nothing. Nada.

 

Now if I actually know you, then of course I’ll say hi. I’ll say hi because I probably like you, and I’m making an effort to be friendly. But chances are if I don’t know you, I probably don’t like you. Maybe you smell. Maybe you have crap stuck in your teeth.

 

Now I should elaborate, I won’t say hi to you because I’m being mean, I’m doing it for your sake. Do you really need another hallway friend? One more person you’ve got to look up at and fake a smile to? I’m sure you’ve got better things on your mind than me. Maybe you’re thinking about what you need to TiVo later. Maybe you’re still reminding yourself that it was a bad idea to have 6 shots of Jager in 40 min. and lift your top at the bar. Actually, that’s a good idea. Unless you’re my girlfriend, and then it’s an even worse idea.

 

Point is, I’m sure you’ve got plenty of other things to do than to try and placate me. I mean I’m really not going to go running back to my cubicle in tears if someone doesn’t acknowledge that I exist. Hell, if that’s your problem, you really shouldn’t be working for anything other than a Mom ‘n’ Pop operation.

 

This can change though. If you really feel compelled to say something to every person/inanimate object you see in the hall, you might as well make it worthwhile. Talk about how my shoes are talking to me. Maybe make an offhand joke about me being cheap. I’ll laugh, I swear. Talk about the weather to me. Tell me you hate your wife. But you’re not going to talk like that to a total stranger are you? Nah, that’s way too much work, and you’ve got TiVo programming on the brain.   

Also, check out my friend Mike's blog at http://mikewantsagamejob.libsyn.com/

Jul. 19th, 2007

Withdrawal Sucks.

Withdrawal sucks.
 
Some people get it from booze, cigarettes, heroin, milk? Sure, milk too. I get it from TV. Hi my name is Allan, and I'm an Office addict. It's gotten so bad that I find myself looking into, and shrugging at a non-existent camera I think is in my cubicle. I find myself wanting to go on a vampire hunting campaign, because one of the new administrative assistants wears black a lot, and we all know that vampires are fans of, you guessed it, BLACK MAGIC! Sometimes I want to sneak over to whoever's cubicle has the cell phone ring of "It's my life" by Bon Jovi, toss it up in to the ceiling, and call it for about 40min. I want to start a basketball game with the maintenance crews, and choose Brian from Auto sales, because he's tall, and tall people are ALWAYS good at basketball. I want to hold the STAR awards at Chili's and get kicked out. I want to hold a funeral for that dead bird that's been on the side of the air bridge for about a week now. I want SOMEONE in this office to be able to play a recorder, and have it ready within a moments notice. I want a party planning committee. I want to read a play that one of our directors, may or may not have written. But mostly, I want to have something to do every Thursday night. Thankfully though, the new season starts on my birthday, Sept. 27th. So happy birthday to me! And uh, happy....viewing....pleasure to everyone else.

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